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They tell me to listen to my heart, but my heart’s bleedin blue

By far the saddest hue

And I know it’s confused

and doesn’t know what to do

so why would I choose

to listen to something that might lead me back to you

I watch everyone bleed red even when their throats are being slashed by the cruel things being said

The knife I used to love and the boy who used to call me honey painted my veins from red to purple and then all the way to blue and I guess it’s kinda funny

The way it makes me so upset

but it hurts when people give me paper cuts and my arteries are bursting at the seams because maybe I ate too much junk food or maybe I just swallowed too much regret

We must be in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory because I’m starting to look like a blueberry and when I finally explode you better hit the road

Because the story the walls are telling says someone broke in and attacked the place with a paintball gun loaded with the color of despair

And maybe then everyone will care

Maybe then my heart might stop bleedin blue

By far the saddest hue

Then maybe just maybe it’ll finally know what to do

But apparently I have to tell you who I am.

It’s easy to speak your mind when nobody knows who you are. Hiding behind a pen name is dangerous.

I don’t want you to know that I said the things I said

I guess I should’ve thought of that before I said them.

Before I reveal, there’s a few things I gotta say:

1) My blog makes me seem really dark and depressed but I promise that’s not all there is to me this is just a really good place to vent

2) SORRY ALL I WROTE ABOUT WAS MY BROKEN HEART (I know it got repetitive)

3) I really really don’t want to do this. The more reveal posts I see the more I dread it because all you perfect pretty popular girls who shouldn’t be good at writing are so much better than I am and everyone loves you so much and I’m scared nobody will care about me or my blog anymore after you find out who I am

4) I had this really cool idea for a video where I put my pen name on a record and then I put it on the record player and it starts spinning and then it’s like a montage of my life and canyon drives and summer memories etc. you know the gist like literally what half the reveal videos are and then cut back to the record and as it slows down you see it has my real name on it in the same place my pen name was written. but I’ve been in California all week so I couldn’t do it so here’s my way of sharing that idea haha

Anyways I think that’s all. Big thanks to anyone whose actually been reading my blog it means a lot 🙂

I’m Emma Biesinger

If the eyes are the windows to the soul then you must’ve shut the blinds

Because things are different now

And every time you look into my eyes

My heart dies

A little

It’s not the same anymore and your eyes

Will never let me forget it

When you used to look at me I could feel the rays of the sun beam down on my soul and when I saw that light reflecting back into your eyes

I knew you felt warm too

But now you’ve closed the shades

And the heat is on full blast

Making a mockery

Of how things used to be

I think about your eyes

And I remember how I used to wish time would last

It all happened so fast and now

it’s all in the past

I hate to say it

But it’s time to kiss summer goodbye

My watch is broken

It’s always 10:16

It stopped at the same time my heart did the first time you kissed me

It was always 10:16

10:16 when we held hands while we walked around the city

When we made cookies and wore each other’s glasses

10:16 when we rode scooters and watched the sunset

The evenings you forgot to say goodnight and I Stayed up late not sure if I should feel worried or upset

10:16 when you made me a yellow necklace

Our nights together felt sublimely endless

It was always 10:16

10:16 when we kissed in the elevator of the clark planetarium

I didn’t know what was happening but all the sudden I didn’t need to

The sparks flew like shooting stars and when the doors slid open we learned about the universe that created them

it was always 10:16

10:16 when we disco skated and played tricks on people who didn’t deserve it

10:16 the first time you looked at me and made me feel perfect

10:16 when you pretended to miss the train so you could stay with me longer

it was always 10:16

10:16 when you said goodbye

And when you broke my heart

10:16 when you blew me a kiss

And drove off in the dark

10:16 lasted for what felt like an eternity

One year condensed into one minute

10:16

The best minute of my life

I finally got my watch fixed

It was 10:17 when I forgot about you

And now 10:16 is nothing but dejavu

Every time I break through this wall of sadness people build it back up again one by one

Sometimes they don’t even know they’ve laid a brick until they see me sobbing into my mom’s lap at church on Sunday

Bricks are heavy, and this mortar is becoming too strong for me to break through

Someday you’ll archive our memories and all I’ll be is a quiet memory, a distant hue

But I’m always going to be thinking of you

And I hope that one day in ten years you’ll wake up from a dream and remember me too

I remember the times I used to lie there sleepless because you forgot to say goodnight

And now I haven’t slept in weeks

Because you stopped saying it a long time ago

Part of the reason is because I’m scared to shut my eyes and see you lying next to me

I’m scared to feel our hands intertwine once again for the first time in forever

I’m scared to kiss you goodbye

and miss your face the second you drive away

to hug you and feel your arms around my waist and your chin on my head

You playing with my hair

And telling me how cute I am (even if I don’t believe you)

I’m scared of the butterflies

I’m scared that I’ll see us running through fields of poppies and you’ll pick a bouquet for me because you know how they’re my favorite flower

I’m scared to see us sitting in your car and laughing for the most ridiculous reasons because it’s late at night and we just got slurpees from the gas station

I’m scared to hear you tell me you love me

And make me feel all yellow inside

But most of all

I’m scared of waking up

you were their screensaver

And their search history

And the pictures on their wall

You were everywhere they looked

Your face was reflected in the raindrops on the window of the car door on the way home from a long day

They were so excited to see you because you were the only part of their day that wasn’t miserable

The only part of their day that made them feel something

And even though it was nippy out

Dreaming of you made them feel warm

You were their favorite pair of shoes

And the handle that turns the shower from cold to hot

Your perfume was their car freshener

And your breath was their air

your skin tone was their favorite color

And your eyes were the only ocean they wanted to explore

They used to dream of climbing trees with you and having picnics on the hilltops

And watching the sunset

But then suddenly

The color was gone

And so was the sun

Their lock screen had become black now

And they’d cleared their search history

For a bit, they were stuck in this cold, icy room of loneliness

The one that you’re stuck in now

But they found someone else to keep them warm

They found a new sweater to try on

A better sweater

A prettier sweater

A sweater they are going to keep

And they hung you in the back of the closet

They didn’t want you anymore

Because you had stains

And rips

And you scratched their skin even though you didn’t mean to

They didn’t even care to put you through the wash

Or sew you up

Or learn how to deal with the scratches

And after all this time

You’re still trapped in that icy room

Feeling gutted when you see them in their new sweater

And wondering when you’ll find one too

…………

he illuminated her eyes and she imprisoned his

Until suddenly the lights went out

And their eyes never met again

……….

Your skin was soft like a fuzzy blanket on a gloomy day

Feeling your hands touch my body as we’d slowly drift away

I miss the times

When I occupied your mind

And all the nights you reminded me of why I was here

But you left me in the dark with no light switch

With nothing but fear

…………

Her room is a mess

And so is her head

And every morning she struggles

To get out of bed

…………

His eyes were a deep shade of blue

And when they looked at me they awakened

The butterflies in my stomach

And my heart

And when they shut

Our lips would finally touch

I couldn’t remember a single thing unless it was about him

His eyes were a deep shade of blue

The most perfect, gentle, and melancholy hue

……..

I thought the butterflies flew away

But they still come back to haunt me

When I think about you

………

His dirty old shoes

The nights he confessed his love for me

When he’d had a little too much booze

………..

I hate it when I’m so caught up

In my own day

That I forget to smile at strangers

you never know

When someone needs a reason to stay

……..

I touch the veins in his hands and I feel yours

…………

All the stars in the universe will never compare to you

And they’re a lot more beautiful

But somehow all I can think about is how they’re made of stardust

And you are too

……………

The big things hurt

but the little ones are like bullets

Remembering

The color of the sky when we first kissed

Or the flavor of your chapstick

The constellations you taught me

And how you used to play with my hair

When I asked why you were looking at me and you said you couldn’t help but stare

Inside jokes and silly songs

The list goes on

And on

And on

…………

the sky is somber without you

…………

let’s run so far

That nobody will be able to hear us dance

So far

That nobody will touch us

Not even sorrow

…………

laying in the middle of the road late at night

You told me I was beautiful

The stars told me you were lying

I didn’t believe them

Not until now

…………

He sat in front of me on the train

his cologne was the same kind as yours

And every time I took a breath

A montage of memories ran a marathon through my head

………….

Hit the lights

So I can see the stars in his eyes

And maybe he’ll see mine

When I look at them the room will spin

And he’ll take me time traveling

Maybe it’s just a dream

But maybe I don’t care

Because right now I’d give anything

To see him standing there

…………

forgotten

By the only ones who still remembered me

I opened my window

So you could sneak in

I turned off the lights

as the record started to spin

You and I danced

As though we were swaying on the moon

And now that you’re gone

I can’t seem to forget about that unforgettable tune